Where I’m at

I just finished celebrating my birthday week. Yep, I spent 7 days doing the things I love. What was cool about this is it made me have to stop and really think about what it is that I love. I found the following: reading, yoga, spending time with my BFF, hiking, the beach, good food, working with children and doing street medicine. After a long, heart to heart with Teresa (aforementioned BFF) I connected with the fact I also love personal and professional growth and learning. She pointed out that when we go places, she will go up to the edge and stare out at the beach taking in the sun, the water, the sand and I will be over reading the informational plague then staring out at the sea. I love, I want, I need to know things. I realized that I would love to go back to school but, and this is a big but, I don’t want to have to do it again while working full time and raising a family. I want the true college kid experience where I just have to do my studies and really embrace academic culture. A plan has been hatched in my head so stay tuned for that in the future.

Where am I with my cancer? I’m between procedures. I healed well from the lumpectomy. In fact other than the scars you wouldn’t be able to tell I had a chunk of me removed. Next up, I start radiation on 10/23. It will be 6 weeks, 5 days a week treatment. I expect to experience quite a bit of fatigue and skin sensitivity. Dr. Kelly and I are working on building my immunity and getting my body as shored up as possible. Am I nervous? Yes, very. In fact, I’m having some anticipatory anxiety. I’m ready to get it over with. Dr. Dunn (my radiation oncologist, a very smart, lovely doctor around my age) and I decided we could wait to start radiation until after I get back from my EMS conference in Vegas. I’m happy about this because the alternative was that I couldn’t go, but at the same time I had to sit in this anticipation for over a month. I’m just trying to live my life to the best of my ability with peace. I’ve been working on acceptance and lovingkindness. It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable and I’m finding that I’m needy in ways I’ve never been. That creates a struggle in me as I try to find the words to ask for what I need while fighting an internal struggle. I have a very tall, wide and strong wall. It’s weathered and covered in lichen it’s been there so long. This diagnosis has created some cracks in it and I’m having to decide moment by moment if I want to reach out and expand the opening or to reach out and fill it in with cement. Apparently my battle is more than with cancer; it’s within my self and about my place, my connection in the world. Heady stuff, huh?

Peace and blessings with you all.

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