Looming (7-28-17)

It’s been 2 weeks since I posted a journal entry and during that time I’ve been living my life hard. Lots of hikes, swims, reading, laughing and loving. It’s been amazing. Over the last few days, there’s been a shift. I’m now within a week of treatment beginning and that’s been weighing on my mind. It’s as if up until now everything has been a dream. After next Thursday, reality sets in. I’m finding it very hard to see past that day or make any choices. It’s as if nothing exists after that. I’m sure it’s the uncertainty of what I will be like. I’ve never had any surgery in my life and the idea of being put under and intubated frankly scares me a bit…ok, I’m terrified. I don’t know what recovery will look like and I refuse to believe that I will be down long, while at the same time I’m trying to be realistic because I know I have the propensity to over do it. One of my doctors recommended the book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chodron. It’s been super helpful, but I still can’t shake the feeling that after Thursday the beautiful bubble of my blessed world is going to burst. I’m not good at being afraid…

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