Finding the Words (7-3-17)

What I am finding hardest at this point in my journey is finding the words. When I first heard the word “cancer” from my doctor, my mind seemed to put this protective blanket around my thoughts. I went to pray and realized I couldn’t. I wasn’t really angry just bewildered and felt I had nothing to say to my Higher Power. Guess my years of giving the silent treatment as a coping mechanism for my fear and hurt hasn’t gone away. Then, I needed to find the words to let my parents and my sons know. Part of me just kept saying, “I don’t really need to tell anyone. I’ll just get through this and nobody will know.” That’s part of the denial I guess. I choked out the words to my parents and my heart just about broke as I watched my oldest son go pale when I told him and his brother. Dean’s responses were classic and have been written into my “Funny Things that People Say to you when you Tell them you have Cancer” notebook. From the mouths of babes. After that I had one more conversation that made dread sit on my heart. How do you tell someone in a newly blossoming relationship that, “Yeah you can keep going out with me but it’s probably going to suck”? I couldn’t breath as I tried to force the words out giving him the choice I felt was fair.

Now I have told everyone through social media and the support has been tremendous. I didn’t want to say anything but I won’t say the love shining back at me isn’t worth it. Makes me wonder why we don’t shine this love at each other and accept this shining love without a health crisis. Everyone, please love each other today. Please tell those special people what they mean to you. Take the chances. Ask that cute guy or gal out. Go on that trip. Take that hike. Just love fully and deeply. Peace until my next update.

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