My New Year
Looking at what I was supposed to accomplish the last month for Da Book, I see I finished some and not others. That’s okay because it reminds me a lot of how the year went. It was like bursts and then stalls. I took some steps backwards and many, many steps forward. It put me in a wonderful position to start a new year with new dreams, new focus and new accomplishments. I’ve been following the “end of times” stories and such and although I don’t believe many of them, talking about them made me realize something. I was sitting in a meeting talking to some friends of mine and I said, “I don’t want the end to be true because I’m not ready to leave this earth yet. There are so many things I still want to see and do.” If I really thought I only had a year, I would need to quit my job and just live. Of course, that’s not going to happen so I need to figure out how to LIVE every single day that I’m given. I still want to see so many places, Russia, Czech Republic and really, really Northern Canada. I want to eat crepes in a small café in France. I want to gaze lovingly into the eyes of my lover on a gondola in Italy and then go view art at the Sistine Chapel. I want to feel what it’s like to love someone deeply for years and be so comfortable with that person that I can’t imagine living without them. I want to see my children experience this kind of love, and graduate from college, and be successful in life and have children of their own. I want to learn Salsa dancing, and Spanish, and Bass and write many, many good books. I want to have a book of poetry written to my love, ala Elizabeth Barrett Browning and from my love. I want to Do so many things. I could go on and on. I guess I’ll have to just start with today.
From the week of December 5, 2010, I wanted to grow an Amaryllis which I did. I picked up a pretty white and red one as a bulb and grew it on my kitchen windowsill. Since I’m so horrible about remembering to water things, I placed it by my coffee pot. That gets water every morning so I would know to water the little flower as well. So far, so good. It’s beautiful and it makes me smile. I will plant it in my garden this spring.
The next task was to “Exact your feelings.” I’m not really sure what that means and I certainly didn’t at the beginning of December. What I can say now is what it means to me right now. I wasn’t the kind who had any kind of patience for emotion. I felt it was frivolous and didn’t really exist. It wasn’t logical or rational or intellectual. It just wasn’t for me. I would see cutesy couples walking hand in hand, gazing into each others eyes and seemingly existing in a world all their own. Ewwww gross. They really need to come back down to earth, I’d think. I literally would feel disdain for them. Like somehow, they just didn’t get it. Then something happened to me. I met my soul mate. It was unmistakable. The connection from the start was other-worldly. It defied my logic. It defied my ability to reason. It just existed despite me. It opened up my eyes. It made me rethink my world view. Once I allowed myself to give in to it, it’s been a blast. I stopped questioning what it all meant. I don’t even care. It just is. I’m being taught to dance through fear, to accept with complete abandon and to love deeper than I ever thought possible. So to exact my feelings, to me, means to open my heart to what the Creator has placed into my world. I don’t know why He/She decided to let me experience this. I’m just very grateful. I now look at those cutesy couples and feel like we share a very special secret world.
The last task was to listen to the original Jerky Boys tape which I haven’t done yet. I’ll have to find it on YouTube or something. I wonder if I’ll think it’s even funny or if I’ve outgrown that kind of humor. Much like Jackass, I’ll leave that type of humor to my teenage son.
I’m going to flip through my book now and start my January tasks, the first of the new year. I’d better get living if the Mayans are right.
